Still wondering—always wondering.
Sometimes, about the wonder of it all?
Sometimes, wondering what it’s all about?
Sometimes, just wondering: wandering in wondering lost amongst it, wallowing, often flailing—flapping my arms as if I’m drowning.
Drowning, yes, drowning in confusion, lost and going deeper, and sometimes darker, and all the time, wondering, wondering, wondering.
But then…
Something—something more, something different.
A shaft of light, breaking through a chink in that spreading veil of loss.
It’s a flash.
It breaks in on me—illuminates me.
Yes, it bathes me in blazing light.
I’m suffused by it—glowing, filled with it and by it.
But by what?
What has breached this place of wondering and loss?
What is this light that flashes and crashes in on me?
Where did it come from?
What is the source of it?
Can it have a source?
But why do I ask?
It’s obvious.
The sense I have of it conveys the source of it—I am both it and the knowing of it.
The source of it is within what it is as it envelops me and makes me shine.
Yes, I shine with it—with the source of it and the product that the source produces.
And I’m filled with wonder—a new wonder.
I’m overwhelmed by it—overtaken by it, carried by it as if it were gently open, cupped hands, born by powerful wings that lift me with a strange unimagined lightness.
It holds me above all the dimness and loss.
And I float above all that was—all that was entrapping me in loss is itself now lost like a planet disappearing into nothingness.
I’m carried within the glitter of a shaft of love that has broken in on me, for me, and for as long as it lasts, will be part of me.
Yes, it is the reality of love that bears me up and carries me away.
I am it.
It is I.
I am transformed, and have transcended everything except love itself.
Yes, I am both it and am part of it.
Love is both beyond and within me.
And all the wondering falls away as flakes, raining back onto the soil of that lost earth, which for this loving time I have left.
