Today, T, I saw a magic light.
It came in from out there—wherever out there is; from somewhere in the universe; beyond where I was, anyway.
And it broke into my world—flashed into my world of sensation.
And time seemed to stop as this coloured fragment rested there—wrapping itself around a limb of this world of mine like a silent, spectral lover.
And I was fixed to the spot, mesmerised by the sight of it.
And it stayed there—as if it was waiting—yes, waiting.
I imagined it panting—recovering from its journey, gasping for breath after its long trip to be with me.
There were a few moments of happiness, but within seconds I felt anxious—fearful of losing it; fearful it would leave me alone, and I would be by myself again.
I must have it, I thought.
I can’t live without it.
I reached out.
I hesitated.
Would it stay long enough for me to grab it, snatch it up and hold it?
Would I be able to take it in my hand and bring it close to my eyes?
I wanted to peer at every part of it.
I wanted to breathe on it.
I wanted to press it against my lips, my cheeks, my eyes.
And more.
I wanted to feel it inside me—soaking into me, penetrating me, being part of me, being part of my being.
Oh, yes, I wanted it so much—that which was beyond I wanted within.
And so I reached forward and tried to close my fingers around it.
But it dodged my grasp.
I tried again but this time, when I got close to it, it disappeared—went out of existence.
Where I thought it was, it was not.
I tried again, but every time I tried, I failed.
It was only there if I held back.
It wouldn’t be taken.
It was a free thing—that flashing shard could not exist if it was too close to another.
It wouldn’t be touched.
It wouldn’t even be approached.
It was independent—an independent, desired and disappearing light.
But I could watch it.
Yes, surely it would allow that?
Surely it would allow me to gaze at it, stare at it?
And suddenly I caught myself—saw my wrongdoing, realised my selfish need for possession.
As if just seeing it wasn’t enough!
What had I been thinking!
Yes, just seeing it was more than enough!
How could I have thought I could possess it?
How could I have thought it was even necessary?
And with that thought in my mind, with that realisation of its freedom swirling inside me, I drew my hand back.
And suddenly it glowed more brightly.
It approached me.
Yes, now it approached me!
I didn’t move.
I didn’t dare.
It came around me—entwining me in a silent, loving embrace.
And because it was free, and I was allowing its freedom, it became within me and filled me with its light.
