What did I see?
What did I see that I hadn't seen before?
What was revealed in that moment of frustration, of stress, of overpowering anxiety?
Well, this is what I saw, this one simple thing.
This is what I caught from that one fragment of tearful panic, expressed so suddenly as, 'I can't do this!'
What I saw was a sudden opening, a momentary dissolving of all the things that shield us from the world; a breakdown of all the armour, the impressions that we make, the camouflage that disguises us in the minds of others, impressions that can destroy us in their eyes, make us into something that we are not, impressions that do not describe what we are but only what we seem—a breaking down of what projects beyond us that does not reflect within. It was a revelation.
And within?
Yes, a sudden realisation of that.
Within, within-ness, that which lies deep within another self—sometimes not known to the one who contains it.
Yes, a sudden opening up to a sudden knowing of what lies within--an eradication of beyond.
That marvellous opening, that conduit of love, opening, that moment that shatters the shield and shows the child, the bare child, the innocent child—that shows the childish specialness of the loving and loved self.
And it was that innocence that I had been striving for, hoping to find, yearning to find amid the false impressions that destroy me, not knowing how it would come to me. until suddenly like an explosion it was unavoidably mine.
And so I saw it—witnessed it—a moment only, but still a dazzling blaze, a blinding flash of your innocence, your self, your child, your within; and none of it was beyond. As just as quickly as it came I grabbed it, and claimed it, and took it into myself, and loved it, and held it, and knew it, and knew now it would never go, because as it was within you it was now also within me.
And it stayed with me, mingled with my anger and overcame it, and showed itself as beyond the reach of my sadness, and I hung onto to, and pulled it into me. And it was, and is, one of my treasured things, a more powerful thing than I have ever known. And now it rests in my mind—your within that it is within me—unmovable, permanent, unquestioned. And it has spread inside me, and altered me, and transformed me, and guided me, and brought me to a better place.
